Journal of the Confused
by The Apple After Poison
Summary: Take a look inside the mind that is Draco Malfoy. He doesn't look it but with school, parents hastling him and Granger, he is one confused boy. And once McGonagall gives him a journal... anything is possible


_Journal of Draco MalfoyNovember the 5 th 1998_

What kind of prissy girly loving guy would want to 'express his emotions?'

And I guess you're thinking to yourselves '_What's the most gorgeous sexiest man beast at Hogwarts doing writing a diary???'_

Well I'll tell you. It all started with that junked up Mudblood, Hermione Granger. She just had to go ask stupid irrelevant questions and say stupid unrelated statements about 'Society' and how our future economic standards are decreasing by emotional standards… what a load of bullocks if you ask me. And she said all this after the class had gotten into a big fight causing us all to stay behind for 25 minutes. My theory is she hadn't heard her voice in over two minutes and needed to see if it was still working, that's why she bought this whole stupid mess up.

It started out like this "Oh Professor McGonagall, as I am a big Mudblood and enjoy sucking up to teachers and doing unnecessary amounts of work, why is it our standards today are dropping by the emotional response the future generations are showing towards magic as influence and times change?" I mean for Christ sake it doesn't even make sense. So as for Professor strict-ass she wobbled her glasses and then said in her nice calm (not) voice.

"Miss Granger, are you questioning how the authority of this school is run?" How on earth did she get 'authority' and 'school' out of Grangers non English sentence?

"No Professor, I was just wondering whether it had anything to do with the fact that most students nowadays are unreliable and have issues with expressing there emotions" Oh she also added 'I'm stupid and no guys like me' but I thought that inappropriate to write.

"I assure you Miss Fugly-Granger that the students in this class are quiet reliable and are very enthusiastic to share there point of view-"

"Yes but as I am so stupid and constantly need the answer to everything, I believe we need to converse and let our feelings out into a book of some sort or something because Merlin himself would be sick of all the fighting that goes on between the houses" This caused McOld-lady to give us a 'Diary' (but I'm going to call mine a journal because Diary sounds like a prissy girly name) and she told us all to write our feelings and emotions in it…

I feel like the worlds biggest prat that I along with 22 other students have to write down our thoughts, and feelings.

I think Mc-crooked-glasses charmed this stupid quill because I can't put it down. So I'm going to try signing out or whatever it is muggle people do and see if that works.

Draco Malfoy- hottest stud Hogwarts ever had.

**00000**

_Journal of Draco Malfoy November 23 rd 1998_

Yeah so I have written in you because I couldn't be stuffed. But guess what I have good news and bad news. The good news is that prick Justin Flinch-fletchy who was head boy got attacked by the giant squid in the lake and has been sent to St Mungo's and put in the intensive care unit. The Bad news is I got appointed head boy so now I have to change living quarters and live with Mudblood Granger and my work load has increased dramatically.

So they had a ceremony and everything (in yours truly honor) and they said some bullshit about how deserving I was and that the couldn't have picked a better suitor. What a load of bollocks.

So when I first moved into the new head quarters Mudblood Granger would not shut-up 'Oh I'm so excited that we get to do this' or 'Can you believe it Malfoy, we decided on the future of these kids. We influence their lives somehow' My god it drives me mental with all her talking and incisive reading. I've jinxed her twice with a silencing spell and she was that daft she just kept on talking. I on the other smiled and nodded. And since I would be living with her we decided to put an end to all the fighting and just be polite. Not friends just polite.

I'm running out of ideas to shut her up. I need something so powerful to shut her up I can threaten her with it.

I'm tired, it's late. I'm going to bed… why am I even telling you it's not like you can respond… can you respond?

Draco Malfoy- reply if there is anyone out there in this book…

**00000**

_Journal of Draco Malfoy November 24 th 1998_

Ok so I'm not going to get into the whole writing in you every day, I was just checking to see if anyone replied… which nobody did so I'm guessing this is a waste of time… shit I can't top writing this quill just keeps writing down my thoughts… hold on while I ask Granger something…

Ok so I found out I have to write in you at least 10 times before the end of the school year and they have to be lengthy journal entries and only when I have an epiphany can I stop writing, oh and if that's not complicated enough I have to write in you at least once a month so basically I'm going to write the least amount as possible. Stupid Granger and her stupid smartness

Oh I just remembered, guess what happened today? That blood Traitor Ginny Weasley and MY BESTFRIEND Blaise have been secretly meeting up all holidays and shagging. That is pathetic. I don't understand why Blaise would succumb to something like that but apparently they love each other and there illicit affair had been going on for sometime.

I'm sick of secrets. I'm sick of people thinking they can keep things from me. I deserve to know what's going on inside this school more than anyone. I am superior to all the low lives. I am, Draco Malfoy for crying out loud. I'm the one with the future all set out for me. I'm the one who has a place already in the inner circle of Lord Voldemort. I am the one … who doesn't even get to plan his own life.

Well I guess I'm off, although I just have one more thing to say.

Mudblood Granger STINKS

Draco Malfoy is out.

**00000**

_Journal of Draco MalfoyDecember 25 th 1998_

So I'm sorry I haven't written in you, a lot has happened though. First of all I told you that I had become head boy… well that comes at a price.

Before I used to have a lot of girls throwing themselves at me, but now it's ridiculous. If I walk down the hallway they yell obscure things to me that I was a great shag- which I don't mind them doing if it were true. And they jinx me or hex me into falling deeply in love with them for minutes at a time. It is driving me mental! On several occasions I have come out of a reverie to find myself pushed up against the wall and with a girl I'd never look twice at giving me the breathe of life. It's disgusting and worse of all I feel degraded.

Talking about people throwing themselves on other people, Blaise and Weaselette are still going strong. He was going to propose to her today, and since I haven't seen him I'm guessing there having happy congratulation sex right now.

And my father sent me a letter telling me I am to be on my best behavior, not screw up the family name and that by the end of the year the dark mark will be branded into me… forever more. I decided even though I cannot stand up to my father, that I do not want to follow in his footsteps and screw up the only life I have. God why is it so hard for me? People just assume I'm that guy who insults people on command, but really I don't… I mean if I look back to see some of the other stuff I have written I would cringe because in over a month so much has happened…

But something strange happened literally moments ago and that's the reason why I came to write in you. I was sitting on the black leather sofa in front of the fire actually having a conversation with Granger when the strangest thing happened. I really can't begin to understand it because it was the oddest thing. She looked pretty normal sitting there only a few centimeters away from me with her tangled messy hair pulled back into a thick elastic and little Christmas tree earrings dangling from her ears. She was wearing plain light blue loose tracksuit pants with a plain white wife beater showing off her curves, which I never noticed a Mudblood like her could have.

But I don't really no what came over me. I sort of leant forwards while she was talking. And you know what I mean! She wouldn't shut up for Christ sake. She kept on talking and talking and every time I tried to get a word in she would just keep talking. So I found a way to finally shut her up and no doubt it will make her shut up every time I am around her from now on. Great threat bargain! Man I was so smart… at the time

So she was talking about house elf deprivation and how her parents and friends hadn't even wanted to see her for the holidays and so I sort of leant forwards and pushed my lips to hers. To say she shocked and to say I was shocked would be an understatement. The moment our lips touched she froze and I instantly pulled away. Her wide eyes gave me the impression I should never do that again so I kind of sat there, still leaning over her until she asked me to move back. I sat there as still as can be and the quietness between us was so thick it could have been cut.

I looked at her again and she had blushed cheeks and looked as if a ghost it's had just possessed her for a moment. From what I can remember she kind of went to stand up but her foot got caught on the pillow and she fell onto me. It was her this time that went in for another kiss. Her lips touched mine and even though I still think she is a Mudblood… she didn't taste any less than pure to me.

So naturally I kissed her back journal.

It felt like more though.

My god why am I thinking about sodding Granger for Merlin's sake?

Mudblood Draco Mudblood, she is a foul evil girl…

Help me journal! Why did it feel so right?

**00000**

_Journal of Draco MalfoyJanuary 18 th 1999_

Something is wrong with me.

Ever since that stupid kiss with Granger I have turned … weak. I told my father a few nights ago over our monthly fire meeting that I didn't feel the need to pursue a career in the Dark arts and then I felt it. My father's own torture curse. It was worse than the Crucio curse but I kept thinking it couldn't have been possible, it felt entirely real. Like I was getting the full blast of the curse Lord Voldemort himself created and when those daggers were dragged through my body and after my father had told me he would disown me if I didn't live up to the Malfoy name before disappearing, she was there; watching in the shadows as I slowly wept because of the pain, because of my life, because of everything.

I didn't know at the time she was there, she told me when I has woken up the next morning and asked how I had gotten into her bedroom and had been asleep on her bed. She replied that she healed my pours that had started weeping blood and since she didn't know the password to my room she bought me up to hers because she didn't want to leave me down in the cold common room.

She then kind of left the room in a hurry and I tried to stand up but my muscles disagreed. I pulled the thick blanket off me and had to do a double take on my body then. I was just in my black boxers and my clothes were folded up and placed on the chair. I wriggled slightly but I had to cringe when I felt the muscles contracting. Granger then entered again with a bowl, a sponge and a towel.

"Why am I basically naked in you're bedroom?" I asked her. She blushed and adverted her eyes from anywhere but me. She mumbled that she got a house elf to undress me so I wouldn't be uncomfortable. I then asked her were she slept and she said on the couch. Which made me feel a little bit of guilt because she wouldn't let me sleep there.

"What are those for?" I remember I asked her because I remember giving her a skeptical look. She merely shrugged and blushed some more as she walked over to the bed. 'It's a solution of strained and pickled Murtlap tentacles, with my own adhesive' she said. 'Tell me when it's stopped hurting' I nodded

I remember I watched her very, very carefully as she placed her hand under my very swollen and cold thigh and lifted it up slightly. I remember cringing and shoving my fist in my mouth as if that would take away the pain. She saw me hurting, because she moved her pace up a little face and placed the towel under my leg before lifting up my boxers and putting the sponge in the bright green coloured liquid on my leg. The pain stopped briefly before it began to die down all together.

She did the same to both legs, slowly patting the areas' with the sponge and I noticed the light pink colour that spread across her cheeks and the little beads of perspiration appear on her forehead as her hands worked magic on my inner thighs. I closed my eyes and tried to remember she was a Mudblood because the pain had now all gone away and I hadn't told her or even considered telling her. I was becoming aroused by my enemy trying to help me out. She gently let her hands linger a little bit longer on my hip before pulling the sponge away.

"Does it hurt on you're chest? It was bleeding badly last night" I then remember vaguely being aware of the throbbing pain in my lower chest and arms. She started on my arms. Although I still had my eyes closed and my head resting on the metal bar of her bed, her hands gently ran down my arms with the Murtlap potion. Occasionally a finger would touch my skin, sending shivers from the area running to the rest of my body.

She then began on my chest, slowly and very reluctantly I noted as she kept deliberately doing the same spots over she reached my lower stomach.

I gasped. Something I probably shouldn't have done because she jumped slightly. "No it's ok, it just hurts more than anywhere else" I said to her as her questioning eyes stared at me that day.

'Alright' she mumbled. She slowly began massaging and the pain decreased and the intense pleasure rose. I was becoming aroused. Very easily I might add which had never happened before. She stopped for a few moments and I was just about to open my eyes before they shot open on their own accord.

Granger, muggle born had just kissed my abdomen… and I rather enjoyed it. She placed more feathery light kisses on my lower stomach before very lightly kissing her way back up to my lips. We stayed like that for a while, just kissing before she pulled away slightly alarmed at herself and left the room.

I remember the passion and that's why I cannot get this stupid image out of my head.

I cannot for the life of me forget about kissing Hermione Granger

I cannot stop watching her, admiring her, wishing I could kiss her, touch her, taste her!

Journal! What is wrong with me?

Draco Malfoy

**00000**

_Journal of Draco MalfoyFebruary 4 th 1999_

I found out what's wrong with me.

Blaise told me it's just an infatuation and it will leave shortly. I hope it will because it is starting to piss me off that when I enter I room I automatically search for her. Or if I have class with her I will try and subtly sit as close at possible to her. My eyes always linger on her, and I lose concentration easily in class. I have occasionally lost my footing once or twice as I have spotted her in the distance and I have missed my mouth with my fork several times.

We talk again. Although I don't mind that she is the one doing all the talking. I just like being in her company, because something about a girl who can carry a conversation that doesn't led to me having sex with them is very, sexy. She mainly talks about Potter and Weasel and their latest shag's. But mostly she talks about her mother and father and occasionally asks about mine, but where both to scared to bring that conversation up incase it leads to that night, which led to that morning, conversation.

I bought it up a few weeks ago. I asked her if she had ever regretted anything, she said no so I asked her about that morning. She said 'Why should I regret something, it makes me the person I am today' I smiled knowingly at that. Then she added. 'No one is a bad person. Yes they do bad things, terrible things at that. But it doesn't make them a bad person'

Her words have hung with me for so long…

So Blaise and Weaselette announced there love to the school last Monday. They then announced their engagement last Tuesday. Not very many people took the news to well. Actually no one beside Granger and Myself cared. Potter and Weasel-bee went psycho then they turned there backs on Granger and accused her of being biased of her own sex. They said (and very loudly at that) 'You are only sticking up for Ginny because she's a girl 'Mione,' Potter had screamed.

I find the whole scene funny. But another scene I don't find funny is my father.

Now there's a conversation Granger is always trying to get me to partake in on when I least expect it. She wants me to come to the light side. Fight with them. Help them to victory. She said that with all the information I new I could put half the death eaters in Azkaban for life, yet I would have to go into hiding for the rest of my life too, but she said I would be safe. Which I suppose is a bonus considering my father wants my blood either way.

Anyways I'm tired, It's around three a.m. and I couldn't sleep so I thought of you. Oh I bet you feel pretty special now huh?

Draco Malfoy- pretty much the hottest on the planet.

**00000**

_Journal of Draco Malfoy February 27 th 1999_

Can you believe it? She actually did it. She actually forced me to join the Order of whattist. She said I would have a life I could choose and I kind of gave in to the thought of living my own life. We went to McGonagall straight away who put up more protection wards over our living area and cancelled the floo and fire network after I told her about the last encounter with my father (although I left out the marvelous healing process) and she felt deep sympathy for me.

She asked me all sorts of questions and whether I was a spy or not, so I told her about the hiding places, times and dates of things I new of. Hopefully it will help, but when she asked me about death eaters I did stand my ground and I told her I wouldn't tell any of the Order about the Death Eaters, as most of them would have known it was me who gave the information away.

She smiled, nodded and told us both she would get back to me.

Granger and I were so giddy that I was now, almost classified as free that once we reached the common room she flung her arms around me and gave me a congratulations kiss on the cheek. All those wards and walls I had put up over the past few weeks, in other words the infatuation I put to the back of my mind came crumbling down and hit me like a ton of bricks. She asked what was wrong. I smiled and told her I was happy to be free.

Can you believe it? After spending weeks putting those feelings to the back of my mind, just one simple touch from her and I come running. God I don't know how Potter and Weasel did it. They must have had some sort of power to resist her for 7 years, god I'm having the worst time resisting her after two months.

I hate infatuation. Blaise said it's most probably turned into a crush if I couldn't have gotten over her by now, but I disagree. Crushes are supposed to be easy, although Blaise does say 'If they were easy the would be called something other than a crush' I guess he's implying that if you have a crush on someone, the with probably crush you.

Do you know what I found out the other day? Justin Flinch-fletchy that kid who was supposed to be head boy is returning soon. I don't want him anywhere near my Granger… in private. I might just have to make a deal with the squid and see if he can arrange something.

Draco Malfoy- boy extraordinaire

**00000**

_Journal of Draco Malfoy May 16 th 1999_

Do you know what I am doing right now? No honestly guess… it's quiet a fun game just guess… alright if you can't get it already IM PACKING!! Yeah that's right I'm packing. I found you under the desk and you want to no why I found you under the desk? Because IM PACKING!!

Go on ask me why I'm packing. Alright I'll tell you. It's because that flipping idiot Flinch-Fletchy decided he would like to re-new his head boy badge. That is totally not fair, even Granger agrees and we have barely spoken lately due to our hectic schedules. So I'll tell you what happened.

There I was sitting in front of the pile of books I have to use for homework when _he_ appears. I mean what was McGonagall thinking when she gave me that title as head boy? That I would like it removed a few months later? I think not. So he sat down and told me calmly he would like to resume his lead position as Head Boy. My eyes widened. Granger's head shot up in shock as she had been going through the same books as me.

'You can't though. You don't know what's going on' Granger blurted out in my defense. I was very proud of the position and status I had made as head boy. I don't need some nancy pancy coming in here and taking my position away. And if it had to be taken away, it especially wouldn't be to someone who had been in a coma of what? 4 months 5?

'Actually it was McGonagall who suggested it' he said in his stupid "I'm the best in the world" tone.

"Well I'm sorry Jacob-" I deliberately didn't say his name, you see that? That right there? That is called bullying, I read it in one of the books only moments ago. Apparently it's under Psychological Bullying.

'It's Justin' He said through gritted teeth. I flashed him a charming smile, and even Granger agrees my teeth are rather nice because she has two muggle parental dentists… and because she felt the teeth with her own tongue (insert smirk here)

"Right… so listen since you're technically not head boy yet and I still am. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room" He looked shocked! Outraged! And I loved it!

So he left and came back with McGonagall… that was twenty five minutes ago. I'll write in you when I'm back in the Slytherin dorm.

Draco Malfoy

**00000**

_Journal of Draco Malfoy May 16 th (almost midnight that night) 1999_

I don't know who cried more. The dorm portrait of the blonde lady who said she had grown attached to me or me on the inside wishing to never leave Granger.

She was down in the common room when I walked down there. Flinch-Fletchy was having a hard time lugging his suitcase up the stairs to my old dorm and asked for help but both Granger and myself ignored him. We said good-bye and I told her we should meet up in the library for a study session or something.

It was odd as I left because even though we promised each other we wouldn't get involved as friends or anything we still managed to become very reluctant sort of friends in the begging. I spoke to Blaise about my problem and about how is isn't a crush or infatuation or any of the stuff and he just nodded and seemed to drain everything I said.

I think I know why I may be obsessed with Hermione Granger.

I think it's because maybe she has everything I ever wanted. Friends. Family. The Love and support anyone could have asked for, or maybe it was something else and I'm not even going to begin to think about it because if I do I wont be able to stop and then I'll have some sort of wake up call and god knows I'm over all this wishy washy stuff.

So instead I'm going to say goodnight, hopefully get a very loud rock song stuck in my head which will drift me off to sleep.

Night

Draco Malfoy- and he's… out.

**00000**

_Journal of Draco Malfoy June 3 rd 1999_

So not much has happened… besides the fact that my father is now in Azkaban and is due for the kiss any day. My mother ran away to Spain with someone I don't know. Pansy Parkinson has decided to take it upon herself to call me her boyfriend. I don't mind because it stops all those pestering calls. And even if I did want one of the girls, she doesn't even look in my direction.

Blaise and Weaselette had a very large argument and me and Granger were there to pick up the pieces. We had to get the couple back together so we spent a few hours a day discussing the plan for a week before Blaise and Weasel found there own way back. Granger and I just laugh at the obscene scenes we made up for them whenever we lock eyes or something.

She's still growing on me Granger but I'm trying my hardest to just think of her as a friend. It's working sort of but sometimes if we walk past each other her hand will slid up my arm or if I'm in the library she'll breathe coolly on the back of my neck sending thrilling shivers down my spine.

It's all to much and her intoxicating smell! It drives me mad!

But moving on from her, I found out that after graduation I am to go stay at the headquarters with Weasley and Potter and all that including the one and only Granger. I can only imagine they'll try and kill me before leaving me an inch before my impending death and Granger with save me again… hopefully the same method before is applied.

I hope McGonagall is using the information I gave her wisely and not just tossing it aside as some crap piece of information because that was very important stuff.

I have to go Pansy is coming, I need to lock the door fast!

Draco Malfoy

**00000**

Journal of Draco Malfoy. The last. The final time. I am ever writing in you again. December 31 st 2000

Firstly I'd like to apologize for not writing in you for a few months… ok a year and a half but secondly if you hadn't noticed I had my proper wake-up call, my 'Epiphany' and that is why I have not been writing in you. If you like I could tell you it? It goes a little something like this-

That information I gave McGonagall turned out to be a direct hit. Everything went shakalakah boom! And Voldemort finally crumbled to never return again. My father got the kiss, that was expected, but what wasn't expected was that the person my mother ran away with turned out to be Blaise's real father. We are now step brothers and proud to be at that.

Justin Flinch-fletchy went with Susan Bones on a date down to the lake, two and a half weeks after he returned to Hogwarts and surprise, surprise he had a major relapse as he was reminded of the 'Horrific' encounter with the friendly squid and was sent back to St. Mungo's. And guess who was there to reclaim his head boy title again. That's right. I got my old bed back, washed the sheets several times and sprayed the room and let it air for a day, but it was still mine again. Only on one condition. If he returned. I still kept the head boy title.

We all graduated with big smiles on our faces, and our futures looking pretty damn good. I got a job at a small shop in Diagon alley were I am very happy. Although I do not need the gold because my father accidentally left me everything in his will, I still enjoy the job I have as it takes up time.

Blaise and Ginny Weasley got married in the summer of August. It was a big wedding at Blaise's mansion. Everyone attended, even a sulking Potter who was still madly in love with Ginny but still controlled his emotions enough to go and shag Pansy. Blaise and Ginny are now living in a small apartment in uptown London where I currently think Ginny is pregnant with her second, and still has yet to tell her family.

Potter and Pansy are still shagging like rabbits were I think he sleeps over at hers most nights and I think he proposed, but my sources are usually indisposed in Potters arms.

Weasel and a not so happy Susan Bones live together after he accidentally got her knocked up at Blaise's reception party. Whether it's his baby or not is an entirely different story because the baby looks identical to her, except for the dark brown eyes. Those eyes remind me of Goyle… impossible I remind myself constantly.

And as for Granger and me.

Well that's a whole new story on it's own.

We kissed officially the first night I came back as head boy. She whispered she missed me, and I whispered I missed her too. We remained rather close after that. Never kissing, never really doing that much besides talking and lazing around the common room.

When Graduation came she had already set herself up in a small little rented shop on the corner of Diagon Alley as an Apothecary. With all the smells and alluring desirable woman in the shop I was drawn to it where I was then employed as her part time assistant.

And as for what happened next, nothing much. We moved in together, were I confessed to her of my obsession and thoughts for her during seventh year, and I told her about what Blaise had said. She laughed and told me that's not what obsession is called. I just gave her a shocked look and she kissed me on the bridge of my nose before muttering 'It was Love'

As I write this for the very last time I am confronted that all those times I tried to find to right answer to describe Granger, the right answer was simple; love. It was love I felt for her. It was simple and I missed it every time I searched for a word. I don't regret it though. I'm glad she told me I loved her… we had the most amazing shag after that.

So now as I sit with my wife by my side in our little attic above the house looking through boxes of her memories I realized I never actually said a proper good-bye and that would have been very rude of me indeed if I had just left you.

Oh I almost forgot about my 'Epiphany'. I called her accidentally of course in the middle of a fight one afternoon a word she had never heard me utter before. Our fight ceased and she came towards me and hugged me. She loved me back. Now that I think about it. She really did love me back then. I mean anyone who could put up with me back then had to be sodding Merlin himself.

And who would have thought that my wife had decided to go through old boxes on New Years Eve just to remind her of the memories?

I don't need a box, I just need a journal. One that only allows you to stop writing when you realize you're true loves, true identity. Hermione.

Draco Malfoy- is officially over

**Authors Note- I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

**Please review guys.**


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